“Study me as much as you like, you will not know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have choosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.” – Jalaluddin Rumi
She is free to be…
Her spirit is free. She is letting her true colors glow. After so many years of re-learning and slowly opening her heart and her soul again. Being like a child, letting the small seed grow, flowering and finally spreading her own fragrance.
Since her early teen ages Lily thought that her own feelings were something very bad. She loved to see others fully express themselves (something which took her into study History of art. The artists became her best friends), but she never allowed her own feelings and thoughts to be expressed. She suppressed them for long, until she could not take it anymore. And then it was so painful, often she didn´t know how to handle them.
“The feeling is an enemy only when one doesn’t know how to express it” – Henri Matisse
Lily thought she was too much. Her happiness, her dreams, her desires, her sadness, her anger, everything was too much and she suppressed it all. She was so scared to feel, to trust and to love. Still she has the fear, from time to time, but today she chooses Love more often. She embraces her happiness and dreams as well as her pain, sadness and her wounds. Yes, she has deep wounds, she has been walking through pain. Yes, through her own tears. Yes, she wants the walls around her heart to fall. Yes, her spirit is strong, but she is also very vulnerable.
Today Lily allows herself to laugh, to cry and to be angry. But most of the time she is very silent, spending her time alone, slowly entering to what she used to call her tunnel. A dark tunnel which lately turned into a beautiful Wonderland, a place where she can sing her own song, without worrying what others may feel or think about her.
Yes, she has a medical diagnose, with the somewhat wonderful 😉 name “Borderline personality disorder”. To have Borderline personality disorder means (according to the medical scriptures etc) that you are having severe instability in your behavior, emotions, identity and relationships. Sometimes it is like living in total darkness, very painful, but others may not see it on the outside (by the way you look). The disorder also means having strong anxiety, fear and feelings of abandonment.
Lily can be full of contradictions, she can be impulsive and it can be very difficult for her to be alone (though she more and more often chooses to be alone). She can cry one minute and the next minute she is laughing loudly. It can be difficult for others to keep up with these moody swings. Most of the time Lily is not aware of this herself, and when she becomes aware, it is often too late. Then she feels misunderstood, and at times she only knows herself as being very difficult to “handle”. A reason why she chooses to spend most of her time alone, avoiding it to happen. Lily loves to spend her time in silence, read, paint, do handicrafts and listen music.
Yes, her wish is that her innermost essence could be seen, understood, loved and touched. Yes, she wants to be hold in her authentic truth. Yes, her dream is to be listened to when her voice is but a small whispering, the moments she is silent.
Lily has been on a deep journey inside herself and lately she chooses to create her life! She is not her diagnose, and she refuses to see her difficulties to handle her impulses and emotions as a suffering. The strong feelings of hers are a resource, a resource that can be difficult to handle both for the surroundings and for herself. But she doesn’t want to hide her wounds anymore. She wants to let them rise to the surface. She wants to embrace them, take them with her through the purifying flame of her heart, and create something beautiful out of them. Transform them! From being totally lost in the darkness, she is now slowly radiating her own light. Healing herself, as well as others. Sharing her own story, as well as listening to others.
Yes, she allows her fear to be embraced by her own Love and care. Yes, she accepts herself. Yes, she chooses to see the miracles of her life. All feelings are beautiful in their own way. And she wants to say to you all. Bring it on! Life is a beautiful journey and Love is the goal.
Today Lily allows her gifts to shine over the universe. Yes, she allows her heart to be open to more love. Yes, she is worthy. Yes, she is Love.