Time is running quickly…
Since almost a week I’ve been in Curaçao, enjoying a holiday within a holiday; that’s what I organised for myself, to have three resting periods in my half year travels, and Curaçao is my first. Not that I don’t do anything, but everything is in a slow pace, sleeping a lot, reading a book, terrace here and there, who knows even going to one of the beautiful beaches here and rest under a palm tree or anything of the sort (and you must know I’m not a beach person).
And rest is what I need, after an intense and very busy two weeks of travelling through Peru.
Of course I could tell you a lot more about Peru (about the landscapes that change from arid and dry in the South and on the pampa’s, to more green landscapes with much more agriculture and houses when you come in the Cusco province (yeah, it’s city ànd province), to what is called the cloud forest around Machu Picchu), I could tell you about the Inca’s (who had three worlds: the upperworld of the Gods (animal for that part: the condor), the earth we’re living on, with all the living creatures on it (animal: puma), and the underworld of the ancestors and spirits (animal: snake) and that they had amazing systems of agriculture, earthquake-proof architecture, and that Machu Micchu was only used as a sacred place of ceremonies and rituals, where only priests and nobility were allowed), I could tell you that Peru has two official languages (Spanish and Kechoa, the language of the inca’s), but that in the South you also have Aymara, that’s spoken by the Aymara people, + a lot of local tribe languages. I could tell you all that, but I’m not going to do that…
I am going to tell you what I experienced at my second visit To Machu Picchu, which I caught in a poem:
On this morning
after a guided visit
of this sacred spot,
I decided just to sit
on the bench of
this straw covered house,
looking out over the site,
just sitting and looking out
over the beauty of it.
I was sitting besides
an old man that I felt
was one of the peacekeepers
of this place at this moment.
And I joined him in quiet,
becoming a peacekeeper myself.
Later on an older woman came
having the same quality
of silent being like us.
So we were three to keep the peace
at that moment of time.
And suddenly I realized I indeed am
a peacekeeper in my life,
not by avoiding conflict,
but by keeping peace
as my main focus in life
and by embracing everything
-even conflict and restlessness-
with wonder in my heart.
But I felt just a beginner
between the two older peacekeepers.
I realized that I kind of
found my life’s purpose;
that my purpose in life is
to keep my inner peace,
practicing stillness, and in that
to find a deep joy and love,
and to radiate that into the world,
and with that to live my life
with all the normal things that go on.
And so I’m sitting here now
as the only left peacekeeper
of the three we were in origin,
but I know I have to go
and leave this place to others
to keep the peace of this sacred spot,
and to continue my journey
taking my newly found purpose
with me forever in this life.
This was such a beautiful “vision” for me, and it fits so much to what I feel I truly am, deep inside, it resonated through my whole being; I’m immensely grateful that a bit of the veil around what I am supposed to do on this earth has been lifted that day.
I even got more “messages” within: “the peacekeeper is nòt the one that makes peace, but the one who protects the peace, who holds peace dear and close to his heart; you could call him a peace-guard. The peacekeeper doesn’t work on the foreground like a peace-maker, he doesn’t negotiate or debates in conflicts to try to get peace, no, he works more on the background, he takes care of his own inner peace and quiet and lets it radiate around him. He doesn’t need to do a lot for it, just BE and receive the magnificence of existence (call it God) in awe and wonder, rest in that state and let that feeling flow through his being outwards, to whomever wants to listen. And wìth that, he can use (in my case) writing, singing, eye-contact and touch, but it’s even not necessary to have effect.”
That’s what I got as supplementary message to my poem in Machu Picchu.
Now that I am on Curaçao, what happens is that I relax and let it all go, and now different things come up, more philosophical questions pop up. Actually this time it all started with my post about change a few weeks ago at the start of my Peru roundtrip. I mentioned then how I loved change and adventure, but then it occurred to me that you can also be addicted to change, because you are afraid of real deep connection with one thing or person, or with whatever or whomever is going on at that moment. If this is the case, you use your love of change as an antidote for real connection, either with yourself or with something or someone else.
And if I want to be a peacekeeper, that also means that I have peace with everything that’s happening inside and out, that I don’t run away and that I keep standing in all the agonies (and ecstasies!) of life. It makes me sad that I so often still choose to run… For a peacekeeper it’s needed to stay connected and present with whatever is going on in the moment, here and now.
I also wonder why I encounter again and again things and people that don’t allow me a full 100 % connection. There’s so many times a frustration around it, that I can’t be fully connected with them, for whatever reasons…
And when I say connection, I mean real deep connection with everything that is going on, without judgment, without resistance, not being afraid of the intensity of feeling, but totally allowing it to enter my being, and allowing it to go too, if it wants to, not holding on. It even means connecting to the disconnecting, and that’s where I am now… I feel more and more that it is inside myself that I’m disconnected, it’s inside myself that is the fear of full connection, and so I attract the things and people that fit to that… And how often am I taken (as we all are) by the three major defense mechanisms against true connection: fight, flight or freeze…
In my life I recognize all three of them quite well, although flight and freeze are most of the time the predominant ways of handling uncomfortable situations for me. For example when I’m feeling something I don’t want to feel or I am afraid to feel (just for myself, alone in my room), how easily do I grab for an addiction (those cookies, or the TV, or let’s not forget: Facebook!) or just lose myself in numbness and sort of a depressive state.
Or when I don’t like doing something that needs to be done (in a job, or at home, or for a study that I really wanted to do), I so easily say “fuck it”, and leave the whole thing and do something else or fall into kind of boredom or lethargy…
Or in relationship with others (especially love relationships) I feel either so quickly threatened and attacked, so I start to defend myself, or I just run away from the relationship and go to someone else, or I get into this white “mist” in my head, that just paralyses me and doesn’t allow me to say or do anything anymore. I’m struggling very hard on this one (relationship that is) and I’m making progress in staying present, even in disconnection (acknowledging to myself and the other that I’m feeling disconnected), but it ain’t easy…
In my life I started so many things (studies, trainings, therapies, reading books etc., yes, and also relationships), that felt really like: this is what I want to do, this is (even sometimes) my “calling” or mission in life, and I always started so enthusiastically, full of zeal and joy! But then I always got to the point (as we all do) that I had to “prove” that I really wanted to connect to this thing or person, when things got tough and hard, when I had to start working hard to being able to continue, or to get to the next level of connection. And that’s the point where I… well… I just lost all zeal, enthusiasm and motivation, and gave up and quit.
This morning it seemed to me as if I have difficulty making a true, deep connection with life itself… And I asked myself (not the first time by the way, but with the concept of connection it wàs) if my car-accident when I was 2 years old could have anything to do with it; sometimes it looks like, exactly during that period when I was busy establishing my connection with life, getting to know life and really wanting to go for it, I was thrown back to zero and had to start all over again. Sometimes I believe this process is just repeating itself over and over again… Connecting… disconnecting… connecting… disconnecting…
It is not that I’m a victim of this (although I could feel like it), it’s more that I’m trying to become conscious of a pattern in my life that has been going on (and has been bothering me) for a long, long time, trying to get to its possible causes and then starting to live more consciously with that awareness and to make choices with that in the back of my being. And to fail… and to make mistakes… and to fall… again and again; and stand up and continue with the same intention… again and again… And to succeed too!! Aaaaargh!!!
Is this too far-fetched? I don’t know. Is this too abstract? Maybe… Is this too personal for this blog? Probably it is, but I like to get personal because I always think there’s someone out there who can recognize her-/himself in it and could be helped by it.
So with that hope I leave you for now.
It has been quite psychologically deep this time, but this is what’s going on in me those days, which feels far more important than the outer happenings of my travel or stay in Curaçao (or do you want to know that I’m staying in a little studio with kitchenette, living-/sleeping room and bathroom, where I can live on my own rhythm and sleep long; or do you want to know I like the colourful houses around here in the sun with 30 degrees warmth; or do you want to know about the wild sea at the north with its lava-rocks and the beautiful sandy beaches in the South? Do you want to know about the cactus forests in the west at Christoffel park and the beautiful resort at West Point where I had lunch two days ago?)
Next time more about my adventures and travels again.
With all the love in my heart,
Nico – Traveller of The Earth
P.S. I’m open for feedback by the way, so…; if you’d like to contact me personally, write to firstname.lastname@example.org