My stay in Vancouver has been full of sun and springtime blossomings (big change with last week, they say here, because it has been raining a lot then). I didn’t do too much, because I wanted some rest and just enjoy the nature of Stanley Park, the big park on the Vancouver center peninsula. I loved the blossoming trees and flowers around, the huge pines in the “coastal rainforest” (as they call the vegetation in the park), the squirels that came asking if I had some food for them and were very curious, the canadian geese that were quite “present” (to say the least haha), and there were even some titmice that came and sat on my hand for a second! And of course the English Bay, where I could have sit for hours just to enjoy the sun.
I did do a hop on hop off bus tour through the center of town to get at least a little bit of an impression of the city, and that was nice, although I’m not too impressed with those modern high buildings (some of which sky-scrapers) that were there; but I did admire the public library design: from the outside it looked a bit like the Colosseum in Rome, on the inside there was a walkway with on one side some small restaurants, at the other hand the library (I didn’t really go in though, I’m still on holidays haha).
I also didn’t do too much, because some intense personal stuff came up, that needed time and taught me another few things about myself and human life in general: I touched on it in Curacao already, but now it came up again, about saying no, or telling another person that I don’t want something, or just telling how I really feel about something, exposing myself to what’s really going on inside, without defense… But my God, is that scary!
Until now I always wanted to sort things out mentally first before saying anything, but then I was way past the moment that it had something to do with, and it didn’t come from my being anymore but from my preconceived mind. It is só safe to communicate something from a theory or plan that my mind created, but responsing from my spontaneous inner being, without filter, in all its rawness and unfinishedness, that’s something else; that’s really showing myself vulnerable to another person, that’s really scary because it is not calculated, so I know even less (if anything at all) what the outcome will be. How difficult it still is for me to communicate this way!
And it’s like that when saying how I don’t want things, but it is maybe even more so for saying how I do want things! I’m not used to saying too much what and how I do want, so often turning around the bush, so often just adapting to another person, so often not being clear about my wants and needs and longings, out of fear of being rejected! And also there: how afraid I am to show to someone what I stand for, to let them know I do have longings, wants and needs, that I’m not the perfect one that is OK with everything that happens…
Also in my “yes” and my asking, I expose myself to the other, maybe even more than with my “no”… Because the “no” is setting boundaries, closing up a little, but the “yes” is opening up, asking to receive… And a “yes” for something (“I’m passionate about this, I really want to do this!”) also means coming out in action, showing myself!
It’s all about daring to be vulnerable and to recognize, accept and express myself in the rawness and unfinishedness that I am, to just go for who I really am. At the same time it can be so liberating and empowering if I just dare to be myself! Still that’s a lifelong training, not only for me but for everyone.
So that’s what kept me busy those three days in Vancouver, and I’m grateful that it brought me again a little further on my inner journey, however painful the experiences were to get there… Pfffff…
But: I’m still standing!
And standing in my life, with all the ups and downs that belong to it, I send you all the love from my heart,
Nico – Traveller of The Earth
Coming up… Episode 22: “It’s all about money, sex and power – in Las Vegas“