At the end of another chapter of my travels, I write to you my feelings and thoughts about it. It has been my second week of “holidays” (as was Curaçao), which means rest without doing too much, more of a going in into myself and seeing what is there.
This was the farthest place from Western Europe, speaking in terms of time: with a time difference of 12 hours it has been a weird experience to live at the same clock but with day and night difference (if you know what I mean); when it was 9:00 in the morning here it was 9:00 at night there, when it was 9:00 at night here it was 9:00 in the morning of the next day there… I find that fascinating.
Oh yeah, didn’t tell you… I’ve been staying on the island of Maui in Hawaii for a week, a volcanic island with a dormant volcano on it (Haleakala), 11 (of the 13) different climates (you could easily go in one day from the desert to the tropical rainforest to a rainy western Europe moderate climate). I was staying in an Airbnb house with several other guests, with my own balcony (which I enjoyed very much) in the little town of Paia (pronounce: Pah-eeah), which is kind of a hippie town where all people say hi to eachother and a little talk is started as easily as drinking coffee. Very nice atmosphere, ecological shops and restaurants, beach (of course) and a handshake and occasional hug are never far away. I loved the open way of communicating, very laid back and relaxed (“hey man, how are you doin’ man, did you have some weed today?” has litterally been asked to me one day, haha…).
But for me (as I said already) this week has been far more of an inward journey, where I went for a 3-day individual retreat with a guide who calls himself Magick (found him via Google), who does inner work with groups and individuals around the island and abroad, visiting sacred places that have a high vibratory rate, through which all kinds of inner and spiritual processes are either started or enhanced. Everything you can experience here is as if looking through a magnifying glass at the tiny spot in the universe that is your life.
For me personally it has ben quite a ride, although at the moment itself I was a bit disappointed because I had been expecting big visions and revelations and I don’t know what all, because also Magick told me a lot of the stories that happened to other persons he had been working with. But none of the sort (I thought) with me… I “just” got some psychological insights and some “back to normal” things. But after the retreat, when looking back on it, I can see I had quite some important things that came to me, so I’m very grateful for Magick to have given me the opportunity to go through what I needed to go through. I’ll explain you what it was about.
How this came about? Well, it’s weird, but when being on those sacred sites I started to hear this “inner voice” that I always experience already, but that has been so much clearer here than in daily life; so it has been for a big part a dialogue and interaction between this inner voice and me that made that I started realizing and seeing things about my life. I guess because of the high vibration of those beautiful, beautiful and peaceful places, those things could come up.
In the first place there were some patterns in my life that I suddenly clearly saw that are sabotaging who I am and want to be, that are sabotaging my progressing in life (I tell them here because I’m certainly not the only one that has those patterns, and maybe you can recognize some of them):
– I have the tendency to belittle and denigrate myself through cynicism, self-doubt, uncertainty and the like
– I have this fear of disasters coming (probably going back to my car-accident), because of which I don’t dare to take risks to reach what I want to or I just create an atmosphere of fear where there doesn’t need to be one
– I’m very often chasing unattainable things, which makes that I can keep it safe and comfortable, because I will never reach what I “long for”; go on dreaming, baby…
At one time I was at this most recent lava-stream (1700s or so) on the South coast of Maui, and Magick had said to me that it could bring about quite some old stuff from trauma out of early childhood, and I thought “yeah, sure…” (cynicism…), but oh my God… Coming near to that place, I heard this voice in my head saying “I won’t let them touch me! I won’t let them touch me, I won’t let them touch me!”, repeating over and over again. And then I walked through this (now rocky, of course) lava stream, and there came the end of that message: “I won’t let them touch me, because they hurt me so much!”, and directly I saw how apparently I had learned to shut me off emotionally from things that were too shocking for me, from things that were not nice and how that still influenced my life…
I suddenly saw the doctors that of course had to touch me to do what they had to do with me after the car-accident in 1965, but how that had been such a violation of my need for comfort and love at that moment that I decided to withdraw inwardly and just be “nice”, the “good boy”. Oh my God, the whole impact of that (and of all the loveless professional touch I’ve had in my life) landed on me on that lava stream, and I cried my heart out, so much pain, so many tears…
Another happening that was also car-accident related that happened on the day that we went to the top of the volcano, was this: First you need to know that my biological father died at that same car-accident, so I’ve never been able to really get to know him and to be fathered and educated by him. Until now that has always been a hole, a sadness, an absence in my life. The incredible thing was, that Magick, especially at the last day of the retreat, litterally changed into my father!
Everything about how he looked was just my father! The form of his head, his eyes, his lips, even his nose, was exactly my father! He was the way I always imagined (and in a way knew) my father to be towards me: he believed in me, he believed in my talents and in who I was, he supported me in my dreams and stimulated me in achieving them, he motivated me to take (calculated) risks, making sure that he was there whenever I needed him… This was such an incredibly healing experience to me, realizing that I was in the actual presence of my father!
I’m so grateful to be able to say now: yes, I know my father, I experienced him, I experienced his love, support and guidance in my life, the hole and sadness that I felt around my father until now, has been changed into a warmth, a wealth and gratefulness of knowing that he exists in my life, that I at least this time got this fatherly guidance of him that I’ve been missing so much (not that my second father hasn’t been a good father, he certainly has, but still I missed my own father that gave his seed for me to be born out of my mother). Do you understand that? Now I have him in my life, he is there, he can still guide me, even from the beyond, because now I experienced him in the flesh, now he has been near and I cried in his arms… And I know he is God-damned proud of me! Ha!
I also had some other insights come to me around my peacekeeper-ship and around just being, which I wrote down in two poems:
You don’t need to be anything
you don’t need to do anything
you don’t need to experience anything
a peacekeeper just ìs.
for whatever wants to happen,
you be a shadow
for people to shelter
from the scorching sunlight.
Be, just be (written on top of Haleakala)
Nothing needs to change,
nothing needs to improve;
the only thing life asks
is to be with it and love it,
and it will love you back.
Don’t sit here as if
something should happen;
just sit here and relax,
let the mind go where it wants,
and just sit here.
Just sit and see and hear and feel;
don’t try to find meaning
where there is none.
Just be with what is.
No visions, no specialness,
no energies or happenings,
no peace, no joy nor love,
just sitting, just sitting,
that is all there is.
Very simple, very ordinary,
nowhere else to go.
Can I be happy with what is,
nothing else to want?
Can I be content with
my mind’s fullness
or the emptiness of nothing?
Can I be totally with me?
And when I read this over
I was alone, and cried.
Only after one day of letting all this sink in, I could see what this retreat had brought to me and could I be truly grateful of what I got and to Magick who has been guiding me through those three days. Of course I can’t yet see the full impact on what this will have on my life in the long run, but I’ve become conscious of a lot of things that I didn’t realize before, and I see more and more that it’s all about consciousness and awareness: the more I become conscious and aware of myself, others and my surroundings, the more I can influence the way I am with whatever happens, less and less fighting, running away or freezing (see also my blogpost from Curaçao), but being awake and staying present with whatever goes on. Not an easy task, and it is surely a daily practice…
After the retreat I still had three more days to go, in which I decided to stay quiet, without sightseeing, just staying in my own inner space and walk around a bit, enjoy the sun, look at the waves of the ocean at the beach, meeting some nice people, short: relax and let it all sink in. And that has been exactly the right thing to do.
What I did have on the second day of the three I still had, was a massage to give my body some relaxing and release of tension; wow, that was something! This was definitely one of the two best massages that I had during my worldtrip! Coreena is a very skillful loving person who gave a deep tissue massage alternated with those long aaahh relaxing strokes along my body that felt so well. And when she came to my left arm and hand, she first went for firm massage, but then I asked her to be gentle to it, and then she started to caress it, cherish it with all her love, and she gave it many kisses, almost passionately loving it, Oh My God…!!! You guess what happened… I melted just because of this love, and realized how hard not only others but also I myself had been on it and how I, by doing so, reinforced the trauma that was hidden in it, and how I can reverse that process by loving it, cherishing it! During the retreat I’d already had an experience that I did kiss my hand myself (which was very beautiful), but having another person having it love like this… Wow.
So I am incredibly grateful for this last week and for all the people that played a more or less conscious role in making it what it became: a highly transformative happening in the story of my life!
And now I am at Honolulu airport ready to go for the next stage of my journeys: crossing the date line between Hawaii and New-Zealand. And it’s on that point that I say good-bye to you for now, with all the love I have in my overflowing heart,
Nico – Traveller of The Earth
Next: Episode 24, Nico goes down under – as far away from his geographical home as is possible on the planet…